


Jasper, still in Shock

by MMRichter



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Reoccurrences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 02:17:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15547416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMRichter/pseuds/MMRichter
Summary: Jasper has a really bad night. Some things resurface, some things never left, and they all come back at once...





	1. It Storms Inside

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jasker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasker/gifts).



> Yeah, this seemed so short in the doc, but I only realized how short an ask is after I'd started. And as you can see, it is even longer than what I sent you. I'm sorry for doubling you and I'm sorry if I'm bugging you. Still, I hope you like it.

Most nights were peaceful and pleasant, often lovely even. But some nights … are bad, like tonight. 

It started with screams, loud and wrenching, screams of pain, of rage, of sadness. She quickly realized the screams were hers. Then, the screams soon turned into growls and roars… She could feel it; her body was changing, gnarling. Then, she felt her mind blanking, slipping, cracking … corrupting. 

“Of course, you’re turning into a mindless monster. You always were, always will be. It’s all you are, nothing more.”

Jasper woke with a start. Her gem throbbed. Her body ached. Her head and chest pounded. Her breathing was ragged and heavy, but she couldn’t get any air. She struggled up from her nest of blankets, needing to untangle from the blankets twisted around her, letting go of and shaking off the blankets she’d clutched and shredded in her claws. She was awake, but her nightmare didn’t end; the screaming in her ears and the twisting in her body persisted.

Jasper stumbled out of the lighthouse without her bearings, which led to her falling onto her knees. She lifted her head and looked up … to see her: Pink Diamond, her Diamond. She talked to and about her gems, praising them, cherishing them. Then, Pink Diamond looked over to see Jasper. Jasper almost smiles … but then Pink Diamond turned away from her.

“Of course, she didn’t tell you. Of course, she left you behind. Why wouldn’t she? You weren’t worth it, still aren’t. You weren’t, aren’t good enough.”

Jasper forced herself up and ran past her own vision. She made her way down the hill, fighting to stay upright on her shaky legs, and got all the way down to the beach before her legs gave out from under her. Again, she falls. The crashing waves, the coarse sand, the brisk air, the sounds and smells of the beach washed over her, and thus pushed her racing mind down a slippery slope. The beach lead to the ocean; the ocean had its murky depths; down there … was Malachite. 

Jasper could feel it as clear as the day it happened. She feels the chains around her wrists. She feels herself crushed by the prison she asked for. She feels the struggle of surfacing then being dragged back down. She feels the torment from her ‘partner’.

“I think you’re just mad ‘cuz you’re single.” That was Garnet’s voice. “You deserve this. You know you deserve this.” That was Lapis’ voice. “Of course, everyone who fuses with you leaves. Who would waste time staying? Who could possibly love you?”

Jasper curled up and began rapidly rolling up and down the beach. She hoped for the focus and distraction physical activity could bring, but it was no use. The attack continued, only getting louder, squeezing harder, burning hotter. Soon, she couldn’t keep herself together, and unfurled mid-spin, tumbling roughly into the sand. 

Jasper pushed herself up to her knees, but distress continued pressing her down: the screams of corruption, the guilt, the rejection, the torment, and the heartache. All of her ails mixed, rotated, and flowed over her. Jasper wanted to sob, to cry, to do anything for a release, but her chest was so tightly clenched and wound that any sound she made got stuck and choked out. She buried her face in her hands with her head to the ground as hot tears streamed from her clenched eyes.

She didn’t realize her furious dashing had alerted everyone in the temple. She didn’t see them all run out to help her. She didn’t even register Pearl hugging her head close, trying to bring her back. Mercifully, the storm soon receded, and Jasper could start to gain her bearings. She vaguely felt the others around her … but she couldn’t bring herself to face them. She slightly registered Pearl in front of her, and so hugged her close by the waist and wept into Pearl’s chest. Jasper’s voice came out strained, low, and even more hoarse when she spoke. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

Pearl knew what Jasper meant: I’m sorry you have to take care of me. I’m sorry you have to protect me. I’m sorry I’m hurting when I should be okay. I’m sorry I’m hurting myself even though I should be happy. I’m sorry for what I’ve done and what I can’t do. I’m sorry I’m breaking down even though things are good. I’m sorry I’m cracking. I’m sorry I’m failing. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough…

“No, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” Pearl spoke softly as she cradled Jasper’s head, “It’s okay, Jasper. Please don’t be sorry. We’re here for you. I’m here.”

Once Jasper's mind settled back down to calm if very exhausted, she and Pearl said goodnight to the others as they headed back to the lighthouse together, and once there, settled into Jasper’s bundle of comforters. Despite her utter fatigue, Jasper knew there was no way she would sleep again tonight. Still ... with her head in Pearl’s lap and with Pearl gently stroking her hair, pausing every now and then to drop light kisses on her face … at least, she knew the night would be over soon.


	2. It Rains Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter... This wasn't originally planned, but I had another idea and thus here we are. I hope you like it.

Pearl had to find her. It hadn’t been that long; she wouldn’t have gotten far. Pearl could catch up, but she had to go after her now. The pale gem scanned over Connie’s birthday party, the sounds of the soiree’s revelry covering her panic. She quickly looked over the host for the one gem that could help, when she spotted the blue, red-and-orange spotted Quartz on the outskirts of the party: Ocean Jasper, leaning against a wall and bobbing her head to the music. Pearl briskly started over, making sure to not run and express her alarm. Ocean Jasper noticed Pearl walking toward her with purpose and stood up square to meet her… 

“Ocean… I’m glad I found you.”

“Pearl…” Ocean Jasper replied curtly, narrowing her eyes with suspicion.

This was a normal interaction with the spotted Quartz. A former Homeworld Soldier before her corruption, Ocean Jasper was not a fervent supporter of the Crystal Gems, to say the least. She was still standoffish and unreceptive to the former enemies, even with new tentative peace with the Diamonds. Old wounds are said to take time to heal, and the ones Ocean Jasper gave and received were healing slowly. However, Ocean was as unfailingly loyal as any-and-all Jaspers, and that loyalty was the reason Pearl sought her out now.

“Ocean, something’s happened. I need your help, and it can’t wait.”

Ocean raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Really? And you’re sure you need _me_?”

“Yes… Jasper is missing.”

“The Captain…?” Ocean’s attitude softened immediately, replaced with concern. “What… What did you do to her?”

“Nothing … I hope. But there’s no time for that. We need to find her. I think I know where she is, but I need your help talking to her.”

Ocean groaned with unease. “I’ll do anything to help the captain.”

Pearl took note of the precise wording but still understood. “Good; she’ll need you. Let’s go.”

Pearl and Ocean Jasper swiftly and carefully exited the party, and, once they were out of sight, sprinted for the nearest warp pad.

\---XX---

Pearl and Ocean Jasper touched on in the prime kindergarten. The light of the warp pad still being the only real activity this place saw, the kindergarten was as dark, eerie, and desolate as always, but on this night, it was not as quiet. The two gems were greeted by noises of someone or something thrashing about the area, and they rushed toward the source … finding the gem that had filled them with worry.

Jasper paced back-and-forth as she stumbled unsteadily. A trip and a rough, cracking slam in a nearby boulder explained why Jasper’s surroundings were covered in fresh gravel. The quartz ranted to herself and breathed harsh and stunted. To most, it sounded like panting only due to her voice; Pearl and Ocean knew she was actually sobbing… Pearl and Ocean started over but stopped short when Jasper soon fell to her knees from some disturbance taking hold of her. Jasper hunched over herself as she started to tremble. Sickening crunches and cracks came for her body it started to change. More splotches of color appear and grew over her skin. Spikes soon protruded and started to rise out of her limbs.

“No…” Jasper stammered, desperate and labored, “No, no, no, no…”

Jasper visibly forced herself still. She clenched her eyes and her fists as she focused and strained against her ordeal. As the quartz struggled, the spikes pulled back and shrunk until they receded to nothing; the blemishes on her skin faded and shrunk until only her original color remained; she soon forced her very body to realign and settle. With her physical anguish successfully forced away, Jasper still continued to break down into tears.

Pearl started to gently approach. “Jasper? Sweetie…?”

Jasper responded without turning, her voice soft and pleading, “P-Pearl… S-Stay back… I, I’m…”

“Captain…?” Ocean called out, perturbed.

“Don’t call me that!” Jasper responded much louder. She spoke with no anger however, her voice instead filled with shame. “I’m not … not … can’t … I can’t be your captain. I don’t … deserve to be your captain.”

Pearl and Ocean approached and came around to see Jasper’s face. The quartz had a faraway and entranced look in her eyes even as tears streamed down her cheeks. Her regret and sorrow, on the other hand, were clear and present.

“Ocean… I’m so sorry. You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I should’ve been there. It should’ve been me. But I wasn’t there. I … wasn’t there for you.”

The Crystal Gems only found out about this aspect of Jasper’s pain recently, after the return of the corrupted gems. During the war, Jasper was the captain of her own troop of Jaspers, with Leopard Jasper and Ocean as her closest lieutenants. For the majority of her service, Jasper had been fighting and running without rest for centuries on end. Ocean and Jasper tried to soothe her and get her to slow down for their captain own health, but Jasper was too adamant and motivated to heed them for long. Then, during one battle, Jasper poofed but was too exhausted to regenerate as quickly as she usually would. When Jasper finally came to … the war was over, and her whole troop was gone. 

It was then they also learned why Jasper’s attempted corrupted gem ‘army’ was made up of all Jaspers. Jasper hadn’t found and gathered them by random at all: those corrupted gems were all from her old troop. She found and recognized them even while they were corrupted! Jasper brought them back together to avenge them the same way she hoped for herself and to fight alongside them again. Then, she lost … again, and she lost her troop again. Jasper lost everything all over again…

Ocean knelt next to Jasper and tried to calm her. “That’s not true, Captain. We knew the risk, and we followed you. And we would follow you again. You still came back for us, like we knew you would, and you even found us when we were all messed up. You’re **the** leader for us.”

Jasper remained distraught, the other two gems unsure if their words were even registering. “I failed you. You trusted me. You believed in me… I’m so sorry. You trusted me, and I failed you.”

Pearl knelt down in front of the suffering quartz and caressed her face with both her hands. “Jasper, darling, it’s okay. I’m here.”

“Pearl… You have to leave me… I can’t… I can’t… It’s all my fault. They … always leave me. Everyone I love, every time… I just let them down… I lose them because I fail them. You’ll—”

“No. I’m here. You won’t lose me. I won’t leave you, Jasper.”

Jasper’s hands found their way to Pearl’s waist, and the quartz clutched her desperately. “I can’t… I can’t give you anything… I’m not good enough. I never was…. I can’t protect you… I can’t take care of you… I’m … nothing. You can’t… You can’t get hurt because … I’m broken.”

Pearl cradled Jasper’s head as the quartz’s heartbroken words drove her to tears as well. “Jasper, you’re not broken. You don’t have to protect me; we protect each other, remember? Darling, you give me plenty. It’s okay…” Soon, Jasper’s weeping stalled and started to taper off, so Pearl continued. “It’s okay, Jasper. Breathe deep. That’s right; I’m here.”

Pearl retreated slightly to look in Jasper’s eyes. The quartz had her eyes closed as she took several deep breathes. She then blinked long and slow several times. Finally, Jasper opened her eyes fully, and looked at Pearl and Ocean with slight confusion, appropriately as if she’d just woken up.

“Hi, Tiger.” Pearl said with an easy smile. “You’re okay now.”

Ocean added, “Good to have you back, Captain.”

“Pearl. Ocean.” Jasper looked around to see she was in the kindergarten… “I had another episode, didn’t I?”

Pearl brushed away the concern to reassure the recovering quartz. “It’s okay. Don’t even think about that. It’s over now, and you’re already better.”

Jasper let out an uncertain groan. “Where’s Steven?”

Pearl replied, “He’s still at the party. I knew you’d want him to stay.”

Jasper sighed before saying, “Yeah, that’s good. He shouldn’t miss the party just to take care of me.”

Pearl smiled at her lover, and Jasper started to smile back, only for her face to turn somber and weary as her eyes again began to well up. Jasper then slammed her fist into the ground, making a small crater at her knees and causing Ocean and Pearl to jump at the sudden strike.

“Dammit…” Jasper said under her breath. She dropped her head as she said, ashamed and crestfallen, “I’m so sorry, Pearl. I want to be better. I’m trying to get better, but … I just keep falling apart.”

Pearl again tenderly held Jasper’s face in her hands. “You don’t need to apologize for that. You are getting better, and there’s no rush. You can heal at your own pace. I’ll be with you all the way.”

Two more tears escaped Jasper’s eyes as she choked up. “Stars, Pearl. I… Sometimes, I don’t know why you stay with me, why you even bother.”

“No, no. None of that. Jasper, look at me. Look at me, sweetie.” Jasper slowly turned her eyes up to meet Pearl’s. Pearl then gently and lovingly wiped away Jasper’s tears with her thumbs. “Don’t you ever think that. Jasper, I love you. You’re so brave, all the time. You’re so faithful and reliable; I know I can trust you to do anything asked of you and more. You’re still as strong as you ever were, to go through what you do and still keep going. And even this pain you feel… It’s because you care so much. It’s because you love so much and so completely. That’s why I will always stand by you. That’s what I love so much.”

Taking in her beloved’s words, Jasper softened again. The tension in her body eased. Her stress retreated. She dwelled on Pearl’s compliments more and more until a small blush of color even grew on her face. With uncertainty still weighing on her, Jasper reached up and touched her horns. Pearl, without a second thought, gently moved Jasper’s hand aside and pressed two light, loving kisses on each horn. Jasper looked at Pearl with surprise … before melting into appreciative affection.

Ocean simply pulled back and could only observe as these exchanges occurred. She had deep reservations about this pairing when Jasper and Pearl first informed every one of their affection. Ocean never thought that a rebel gem would appreciate the captain or be fair and open to her. She never thought THE renegade Pearl would truly empathize and care for Jasper… Those fears no longer remained. Pearl saw all the good things in Jasper, and several things almost no one else did, including Ocean herself. Then, especially considering the state of distress from the lead quartz moments earlier, the look of love now in the Captain’s eyes for Pearl was one Ocean had never seen from Jasper. Even if her trust in the Crystal Gems was still shaky at best, Ocean couldn't deny Pearl's effect of the Captain and how much she truly cared for Jasper. Ocean stood and started back toward the warp pad…

Pearl noticed the other quartz’s motion. “Thank you, Ocean, for coming with me.”

Jasper added, “Yeah, thanks, Ocean. Thanks for helping me out.”

Ocean shook her head. “No need to thank me, Captain. Pearl … you can take it from here.”

Ocean headed out of sight for the warp pad. The couple left alone, Jasper again wrapped her arms around Pearl, and, minding her horns, nuzzled her face into Pearl’s neck. Pearl, in turn, smiled as she hugged Jasper’s neck again…

Jasper spoke softly with heavy gratitude, “Thank you so much, Pearl… I love you so much. Anything you want, just name it.”

Pearl spoke softly into her lover’s ear, “Just keep getting better for me … and maybe a kiss.”

Then, a lovely sound to Pearl’s ears came from Jasper: a low rumbling chuckle shook from the quartz’s chest. “You don’t have to ask for that.”

The couple pressed their lips together in a tender kiss, brief, sweet, and lovely. When they finally separated, they simply rested their foreheads against one another. After a few moments, Jasper let out a peaceful sigh…

“We should get back before the other notice.”

Pearl responded, “Yes, you’re right. They’ll be looking for us soon.”

“Mm… I hope Amethyst didn’t eat all the cake already.”

“Don’t worry. Despite my revulsion, I saved some for you.”

Jasper slowly shook her head with a smirk. “Pearl, you’re the best. I don’t deserve you.”

“You do. And you always try to.”

“Then, I better keep trying … starting now.”

Jasper then put one arm under Pearl’s knees, put the other around Pearl’s back, and scooped Pearl into her arms bridal-style. Pearl thought of protesting the gesture, but the soft giggle that came out of her first betrayed her.

“Jasper, put me down.” Pearl requested without an ounce of force. “You don’t need to do this.”

Jasper kindly retorted, “No, no, you came all this way to get me, so you deserve to rest on the way back. You should be treated just as special as you are. I can… That’s something I know how to do, at least.”

Pearl thought she should insist and walk back on her own, if only on principle. That didn’t change the fact, however, that being in Jasper’s arms and being carried around by Jasper were two of Pearl’s new favorite things. This was added to the fact that it also helped Jasper, and the quartz enjoyed doing it.

“Well, if you insist.” Pearl finally said.

The pale gem wrapped her arms around Jasper’s neck as Jasper stood up, and they both started back. Jasper looked down and smiled at the wonderful gem in her arms, Pearl resting her head against her quartz lover’s shoulder in bliss. Jasper couldn’t help thinking of how thankful she was for her. No matter how horrible some nights were, Pearl always managed to bring her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to give this some attention.Thank you again to Jasker; you are incredible. I hope you liked it, and I hope maybe you read more of my work, if you like. Thank you again so much, and, if you wish, Rant, Rave, and Review.


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